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Saturday, December 31st, 2016

Subject:The Obligatory Annual Review - 2016
Time:12:17 pm.

1. What did you do in 2016 that you'd never done before?

Everything. I graduated from Mercyhurst with my ASN, passed the NCLEX and recieved my RN licensure, recieved my first job offer as a nurse and accepted, worked at an aide briefly in residence at St. Mary's, Worked as an RN at St. Mary's Unit D, began the RN to BSN program through Mercyhurst, traveled to Arizona where I was able to see my best friend get married

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I'm sure I resolved to lose weight or something typical like that. I gained a lot. Then I lost a little bit.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Mmm, not really. A couple girls from school, Joanne Young's niece.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No body particularly close, but I have lost many good men and women at work. It has been a new and sombering experience.

5. What countries did you visit?
Didn't leave the country this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
Time.

7. What date from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Graduating from Nursing school, perhaps the hardest thing I have done yet. Taking and passing the NCLEX. After taking the test I felt confident and empowered. I drove down to the Peninsula where I just sat in the calm and took in the scenery. My emotions rapidly shifted from elated to anxious as I let the tears roll while staring out over the bay on a glorious sunny day. Just two short days later on Sunday July 3rd I remember the joy and disbelief as I saw the PASS appear on my laptop screen. 2016 Sure was a roller coaster of emotions.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating nursing school with a 4.0 GPA.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Continuing to allow my health to go by the wayside as I still have not lost a sufficient amount of weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Knock on wood, I havent' had a cold in a long time.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
We bought a new recliner which I am lounging in at the moment. I also snagged up some pretty sweet Christmas Deer on discount.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Umm . . .

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Some coworkers

14. Where did most of your money go?
Hmm. We've been trying to pay off some bills, paying ahead a bit on the mortgage, knocking of Pat's school loans.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being done with school (albeit temporarily), passing the NCLEX!

16. What song will always remind you of 2016?
Even if I could pick one, I wouldn't know the name or the artist.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter?  slightly thinner
iii. richer or poorer? A little richer, though technically that money is owed in school loans

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Living.Eating health, Exercising.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I worked Christmas Eve this year. It was a little disappointing to miss out on that family time, but I recognize the need. However, I had Christmas off this year and got to spend the day with my family at Mom and Dads.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Already was.

23. How many one-night stands?
none. yay!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
We invested in Direct TV this year. Not sure why, but it has it's perks. I've spent a lot of time watching Impractical Jokers. Friggin' hilarious. Also enjoy watching mindless TV shows like Holiday Baking Championships, Kate plus 8, Little People Big World. Mythbusters marathon has been my addiction this week.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope

26. What was the best book you read?
Oh my. I don't think I've done any pleasure reading this year. :( I've simply been too occupied with school reading and preparing for the NCLEX throughout the summer.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Probably discovering that my subwooffer from my Dell is compatible with my smart phone.

28. What did you want and get?
Lots and lots of chocolate. Although I doubt that willbe helpful with the weight-loss.

29. What did you want and not get?
a puppy friend for Rio

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I don't believe I've seen any new movies this year

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Shortly before my birthday we took our trip to Arizona for Ben's wedding. It was a beautiful and amazing trip, but I still like the East Coast.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Scrubs. I still love hoodies.

34. What kept you sane?
Effexor

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Can't think of anyone off the top of my head

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Ugh, with the whole Trump election thing, I tried to avoid politics this year


37. Who did you miss?
Everyone. Once again, I've been absent. Second shift makes things difficult.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Emily, the first nurse who trained me has been incredibly supportive and helps me keep my sanity.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.
Hmmm. Life is short. And our health is the key to living our lives to the fullest. However, some people just get the shitty end of the stick when it comes down to it.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Freeeee bird! Though I am still burdened by the RN to BSN program and heading into what may be my most difficult semester yet, having my licensure behind me lifts quite the burden.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, December 30th, 2015

Subject:another one
Time:10:18 pm.

1. What did you do in 2015 that you'd never done before?

Oh, a whole lot. I started working at the Barber Center and began my clinical rotations at St. Vincent Hospital, so there is a lot encompassed there.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember my resolution, what does that tell you?

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Val had Grayson. :)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
A couple customers. RIP Pat Hammer

5. What countries did you visit?
stayed in the good ol' US

6. What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2017?
Time.

7. What date from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I can't think of one in particular. I do have fond memories of visiting Letchworth State Park and the PA Grand Canyon.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Finishing three more semesters with a 4.0 GPA and receiving compliments from multiple professors and my clinical instructor.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not managing my time better and letting my health go.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I've actually only had a couple colds this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Not really sure. I was really excited to open up my Christmas bargains from last year.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I still don't know how to interpret this question. Rio was pretty well behaved.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A large portion of society in general.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, utilities, groceries, school supplies.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I really, really like the fluffy gray scarf that Pat bought be and the Die Hard blueray set from my sister. Also love my bookshelf.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
That's a tough one. Probably all the random music on Pandora under "Study Wars". The whip and nae nae song will also be stuck in my head for many years to come.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter?  a lot fatter
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer, for sure.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Living. Time management.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking, worrying...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
We spent Christmas Eve at Uncle Scott's. It was a treat this year with the nice weather as we got to go out to the barn and visit the animals. Christmas Day at my parents house is always wonderfully relaxing.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
Already was.

23. How many one-night stands?
none. yay!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Mostly watch NetFlix now. I've been re-watching X-Files in anticipation of the new season in january. I've also enjoyed Bones, Once Upon a Time, Orange is the new Black, Bones, Grey's Anatomy, and Pretty Little Liars. Pat and I also watched Sons of Anarchy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope

26. What was the best book you read?
I haven't had much of a chance to read for pleasure. Just text books.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I haven't had much of a chance to expance my horizons musically. Rediscovering Jason Mraz right now.

28. What did you want and get?
A scarf, body spray from Victoria's Secret, Die Hard, a book shelf.

29. What did you want and not get?
a pony?

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Haven't had much time to see new movies. In fact, I don't think we've been to the movie theater at all this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We went to the Conneaut Lake Park Pumpkin Fest. I also think we went to Serafini's for dinner. Relaxed and spent time with family.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More time.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?
Expanding. I have to admit I've become slightly more tasteful in my apparel, however, increasing weight really hampers clothingchoices.

34. What kept you sane?
Food? I ate way too many Double Fudge Cookie Dough Blizzards. Those few days off when Patrick and I escaped the city.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Really enjoyed Charlie Hunnam from SOA

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
gay marriage is federally legal now! Syrian Refugees have been the big issue as of late.

37. Who did you miss?
Everyone. I haven't had nearly enough time this year.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I really enjoy Karen from school. Her cynicism really helps us survive.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.
I am still learning to embrace the time that we do have with each other. It's incredibly difficult to live in the moment.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Can't think of one off the top of my head. It's been an incredibly stressful fall.

Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:In conclusion: 2015
Time:9:31 pm.
Mood: blah.

Mentally, I am in a less satisfying place than I would prefer. I have gained 30 pounds back. This is a devastating occurence for me. It's astounding how rapidly it can accumulate before I hit panic mode. This burden weighs heavily (pun unavoidable) on my spirit. I am ready to make the change, but with anticipation of an even more stressful semester around the corner I don't feel that the time is right. I dwell so long on the discomfort and failure of being obese that in drives me directly into the cycles of emotional eating. I cannot win, it seems, at this time.

Otherwise, I have faired well. The fall semester of 2015 was a trying time. I saw my first clinicals in the hospital. Through this experience I learned much, but the anxiety that I carried into the situation seemed to hamper me. I wish I could say that I will be less anxious this semester. This is not true. My anxiety is unrelenting as of late. I eat to cope. I do not know how to amend this with limited time and resources. So I simply must do my best until May. I have maintained a 4.0 gpa, something to be proud of, something I must continually remind myself is an accomplishment more worthy of pride than I am willing to admit.

My spirit is low, gray as the clouds of an abnormally warm yet dreary winter. But I know that this is only a temporary depression. In the grand scheme of things, we are getting close to where we want to be.

I don't know that it's necessary to make any resolutions this year. There will be so much change coming over the next few months and I finish the initial branch of my nursing education. I will be finished my associates degree, deciding which branch of nursing I wish to pursue, attempting to pass my boards, deciding whether I'll return to school immediately, and seeking a new job. That's probably enough for one year. Of, course once I've established myself I'll also jump back on the weight loss wagon and attempt to make up for lost time with so many friends.


THIS YEAR: 2015

[PEOPLE]
best friend: Pat. I retain my other friends, though at quite a distance due to school obligations.
lost any friends: school and life has kept us all apart, the closing of the tavern separated many
gained any friends: I continue to meet new and interesting folks through school. I particularly enjoyed my clinical group: Mike, Karen, Dave, Coty, Michelle, Jenna, Scott
closer to friends that I've already had: time has been limited. I feel as though I know Johnny and Bridget better

[PLACES]
went out of the country: nope
moved: nope
new school: still at Mercyhurst NE
how many times on an airplane: 0

[YOU]
have you changed: I have learned so much over the past year through school and my experience at BNI
new look: gained a lot of my weight back, unfortunately
most depressed time this year: right now. It's been raining and dreary for too long.
best time this year: I really enjoyed our brief trip to Letworth State Park and the PA Grand Canyon. Chango's cantina was a nice night, one of few during which I was able to relax and let loose.

[LOVE]
did you get heartbroken: no.
who was your summer love: Patrick

[SEASONS]
favorite Season: fall
least favorite season: this gloomy bout of rain that always seems to loom before winter arrives. This year, a mild winter has merely meant more rain.
good birthday?: Went to the Pumpkin Fest. It was beautiful weather
any snow this year: We got a couple inches at the very beginning of December, but the ground has not frozen yet. This weekend they expect a few inches.

[FINAL QUESTIONS]
got arrested:nope *phew*
had a crush: no
lost a family member: no.
got a myspace: If it still exists.
kept a secret: not that I recall specifically, but the Tavern always was full of secrets and gossip
told a secret: I don't think so
done something you totally regret: let my weight and exercise habits go, lost some of my motivation for schoolwork

In 2012 I...

[ ] broke a promise
[ ] made a new bestfriend
[ ] fallen out of love
[x] lied
[ ] went behind your parents back
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[  ]hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[  ] kissed in the rain
[ ] slept under the stars
[  ] kept your new years resolution - I don't even know what my resolution was, but I imagine it had something to do with weight
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed my life - my life is changin so much from nursing school
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[ ] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[ ] almost died
[x] given up something important to you - time, so much time with friends
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it - I added spinach to my usual Subway sub? I know, living on the edge.
[x] made a change in your life
[ ] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[ ] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[ ] was never home on weekends
[ ] gotten into a car accident?
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you?
[ ] had someone close to me die
[ ] had a high cell phone bill
[ ] wasted most of my money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach - not technically, drove the peninsula a couple times though
[ ] saw a celebrity
[x] gotten sick
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time
[x] became closer to a lot of people

Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, September 25th, 2015

Subject:It has been a while
Time:12:29 pm.
My dear friend Benjamin reminded me that livejournal existed today. It is now 2015, I'm approximately halfway done with my associates degree in nursing and I feel like a much more well-rounded individual. I will attempt to resume my annual New Years Update at the end of this year.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 20th, 2013

Subject:Planning a life.
Time:9:37 pm.
2013: Puppy
2014: Back to school
2016: Get a real job.

So, hopefully by the time I'm 30 I'll have a real, profitable job. And if things go real well, I'll be able to pay off my school loans and this house by the time I'm 35. I guess 35  is an acceptable age to start living.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, December 29th, 2012

Subject:It is that time of year.
Time:2:37 pm.
Well, I'm a couple days early this year, but it's time for my reflective, often dreary, end/beginning of the year monologue. Of course it will be followed up by the old faithful open-diary-style survey of the year past.

I begin by noting that I may have actually fulfilled part of my resolution for the year. At the beginning of 2012 I resolved "to treat myself better,to take the time to get to know myself again, because as much as I liked parts of the person that I used to be,
I can only imagine that there are lots of new parts of me that I've never even
had the chance to admire."

Though I didn't actually make a point to strive for these things, I feel that by . . . default? I have made way.  I have taken moments for myself, whether it a chai tea latte or a drive to the south pier, I have afforded myself more selfish pleasures than in the past. I haven't necessarily learned anything "new" about myself but I have discovered some parts of  me that were missing. Taking the opportunity to stay home at night reading until the early morning and looking up some old favorite tunes, I see that I wasn't a complete fool to myself.

2012 started out pretty miserable. I was stuck in a dead-end  nowhere job with no real sight into the future. I had befriended some folks who, even then I knew, were not the type of people I needed or really wanted in my life. And drank too much. Since March, since I started my new (dead-end-nowhere) job, since I've found solace in "just being" at times, things are better. I still have no idea where I will go with my career and it makes me nervous to see time go so fast while I stand idle. But, time will tell. The past year has at least given me the opportunity to look into the idea a little further. Perhaps 2013 will lead me in the right direction.

So, will I make a resolution this year? I suppose that I resolve to do more of the same. I resolve to continue to find myself, which I hope will aid in the whole lack of career area. I resolve to embrace the person that  I discover. And because it wouldn't be New Years without one cliche resolution, I resolve to lose weight. And I WILL do it this year. Ideally I would like to be at 200 by the end of the year. Not asking too much there.


THIS YEAR:

[PEOPLE]
best friend: Pat, LJ, Claire, Jess, Val, Ben
lost any friends: Michelle.
gained any friends: Kelly, Lisa, the country tavern customers are all very wonderful to me
closer to friends that I've already had: Val and Josh

[PLACES]
went out of the country: Bahamas, baby!! It was beautiful!
moved:nope.
new school: nope
how many times on an airplane: nope :(

[YOU]
have you changed: I imagine, many ways I haven'trecognized
new look: nope. looking into a haircut in the near future, though.
most depressed time this year: this is the time I always get down. Lack of sunlight.
best time this year: Lounging in the Bahamas and enjoying the cruise with ma nibs and my parents.

[LOVE]
did you get heartbroken: no.
who was your summer love: Same as my spring, fall, and winter love: Pat

[SEASONS]
favorite Season: fall
least favorite season: The season of rain between fall and winter.
good birthday?: Yes. We spent the weekend at Cedar Point with Val and Josh. Quite wonderful.
any snow this year: We got the first good snow just this past week.

[FINAL QUESTIONS]
got arrested:nope *phew*
had a crush: no
lost a family member: no.
got a myspace: If it still exists.
kept a secret: Pretty sure.
told a secret: yup.
done something you totally regret: I find it ironic that last year I said "Probably, I just don't know I regret it yet." True story.

In 2012 I...

[ ] broke a promise
[ ] made a new bestfriend
[ ] fallen out of love
[x] lied
[ ] went behind your parents back
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x]hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] kissed in the rain
[ ] slept under the stars
[x] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[ ] met someone who changed my life
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[x] pretended to be sick
[x] left the country
[ ] almost died
[x] given up something important to you
[x] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[ ] was never home on weekends
[x] gotten into a car accident? just backed into someone, oops.  no biggee. no marks.
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you?
[ ] had someone close to me die
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[x] wasted most of my money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach
[ ] saw a celebrity
[x] gotten sick
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time
[x] became closer to a lot of people

Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, November 11th, 2012

Time:4:10 am.
facebook pisses me off sooo much.

Get a fucking job.
Being a housewife is NOT a job if you're living off welfare. In other words, human breeding is not a career path.
Being a housewife is NOT a job if you choose not to actually raise your children. And raising your children to be ignorant assholes like yourself doesnt actually count.
I support the Army, the Marines, the Navy, the. . .  every other branch of our defense system there is. Thank you. Thank you for risking your lives for our safety/sanity/whatever it is that you're protecting us from at the moment. I respect you and am grateful for all you've done. I may not understand all of what you have/will do, but i do respect the choice to step out there for something greater than yourself. And I'm not going to delve into why facebook pisses me off about this. It's just TOO fragile. Thank you, though. You ARE doing a good thing.

Ugh. There is so much i would like to say. In surmise. Grow the eff up. DO NOT have children if CANNOT support them. The end. No more detail tonight, mostly because I've had some Captains. Ugh. Stupid.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, October 12th, 2012

Subject:Failure is not learning from our mistakes.
Time:1:24 pm.
Disregard the previous entry. Didn't work out so well. Things are good though. Things are working out, slower than I wish, but they're working.

Today I shed a tear of joy, of relief. I believe that today really marks the end of an era. The last five years have been fun. I've met and grown to know a lot of wonderful people. I've also met some less than "nice" people. I've learned valuable lessons and came to discover my own naievity in certain areas of life. Though I'm still not exactly on the path that I would like to be, I can finally feel myself moving in the right direction. And even if it takes awhile, I am relatively content. 


(on a side note, my Phoebe is licking the couch. Her raspy little tongue against microfiber is similar to nails on a chalkboard. Why she's licking the couch. . . ?)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, September 22nd, 2012

Subject:Sitting.
Time:4:38 am.
I care not to go into detail as to why the previous plan didn't work out. I imagine that you might be able to come to your own conclusions. I have, however, lost 1.6 pounds after a week of my new plan. Woo fricking hoo. I do hope that the sarcasm was sensed. I guess in the grand scheme of things, 1.6 lbs in a week is pretty good, especially with the assumption that I gained at least .4 lbs of muscle. But as we all know so well, 1.6 is such a tiny tiny number. Bleh.
If only I could change my mindset. If my brain actually took advantage of the knowledge that it has accumulated and applied it fully to everyday situations, I'd make out rather well. Unfortunately, there seems to be some sort of trap door, and/or loose reel that allows me to take to the battle stations every time I see food. P.S. , I'm a cook.
  For the most part I'm pretty well behaved around food anymore. At my new job there are certain circumstances where it is actually necessary to sample the food. If I don't know what it tastes like, how am I supposed to serve it? In other words, I can't go around serving crap food with the excuse that I didn't bother to taste because i'm "on a diet." But it's not those few samplings during the day that kills me. It's when I neglect to eat anything of substance and instead fill my stomach with little bits of everything. A piece of mozza here, a pretzel a little later, sample the lasagna, then proceed to eat a sliver of lasagna, then some taters, etc.
  It is a process indeed. And it is a shame that this teeny weeny little problem seems to envelop my entire life. 
  I think of Monika. I think of what an incredibly strong person she was. So determined, so ambitious. I can only imagine how far she would have gone to this day. And yet life was robbed from her. Life was taken from her. She would have gone so far, achieved so much. But here I am. Here I am, accomplishing nothing, dwelling on the silliest little feats in life whilst a person who would have truly made a difference was robbed of her chance. WHY?? Why was someone so driven, so humble, taken, yet I am still sitting here idle?

And these questions are exactly what disable me. Instead of moving on, moving forward in honor of those who we've lost, I idle.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, September 7th, 2012

Subject:On to smaller and less fortunate things.
Time:5:25 pm.
  If my computer feel so much as to oblige me, I've decided to take advantage of livejournal to log my experience with our most recent venture in weight-loss/healthy living. It's been an ongoing discussion between Pat and I. One week it's the gym, the next it's weight watchers, then we'll just eat in moderation and get more exercise. All talk. So much talk. 
  Though I've always been smart about my "dieting", avoiding fad diets that tend to deprive the body of the exact nutrients that it needs, this time I'm afraid that is exactly what we've gone with. Though I have some faith that this one has the potential not only to knock off those pesky pounds, but also to benefit our health all around. That is if we are committed, and willing to do it right. Juicing.
  Juicing. Brings to mind steroids. But it is the 21st century and slang just isn't what it used to be. I'm not going to take the to explain the entire concept and why this plan has the potential to be incredibly beneficial to our health becasue there are thousands of websites out there that do exactly that. And if anyone other than myself reads this and wants to know, watch "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead." The film drags on a bit, but you get the idea. And after lots of research, and very little negative feedback (though I wasn't necessarily seeking it out) we decided to give it a try. A fairly expensive try, that is. Quality juicers aren't cheap. And even though I didn't want to invest a lot of money into something that might only last a day or two, I didn't want to get a cheap-o that would make the entire process more difficult than it has to be. I just happened to have a winning lottery ticket for $100, a gift card to Macy's for $20, and thirty dollars later we had are brand new, very shiny, highly recommended Breville Juicer. 
  The first night we brought it home, I was pumped, eager to try 'er out. I scavenged my cabinets for what little produce we had and starting juicing and sampling. First, grapes. Delicious. Absolutely wonderfully delicious. Something I could drink all day. Better than eating a grape because that slight bitterness doesn't come through in the juice. Better than grape juice you can get at the store, most like because this is pure. 
  - On to cucumbers. Not to bad. Reminded me of a cucumber salad, but the best way I can think of to describe it would be cucumber-flavored water. Logical, I guess. Not something I would down more than one glass of, but acceptable. Pat was not a fan.
  - Carrots, very disappointing. I had read nothing but great reviews of carrot juice, so I was sorely disappointed.  I am attributing some of this to the fact that these carrots were over a week old, though. We will try to carrots again, possibly tonight.
  - Apples - Do I have to say anything? Fresh made apple juice. Yum.
  - Orange,Red, and Yellow Bell Peppers - Bleh. Again, the peppers weren't as fresh as I would have liked. But I don't think this is something I'm going to try again. Pat, however, said he enjoyed this more than the cucumber. 

  All in all, after the first night of samplers I was still pretty pumped about the whole thing. The next day we went to the grocery store and overloaded the cart with fresh fruits and vegetables. This is not a cheap date, but for as much as we got, it wasn't completely unreasonable. Couldn't be any more expensive than eating out at Red Lobster twice a month, and making roasts at least once a week, right?
  We decided to stick to fruits during the day for now, since they are easier to get down, and work with vegetable at night. We made up a concoction of Orange/Pineapple for breakfast and Orange/Apple/Watermelon for lunch the next day. Looking back, I wish we had made up another juice as a morning/afternoon snack. 
  Breakfast(8:00ish) was pretty easy going down and I felt good all morning. By 11:00 I felt myself getting hungry so I sipped on my lunch drink from then on. I stayed full until about 4:00 when I was out of juice and found out I had to stay late. I started to get a sever headache, and just didn't feel good at all. By the time I got home I was exhausted, my head was pounding, and my stomache was upset. Rather than trying so hard to strictly follow the plan, if I had just eaten a chicken breast or something reasonable for lunch, I probably would have been fine. But I'm silly like that.
   I mixed up some Mean Green Juice when I got home, but couldn't get much of it down. Instead, I sauted some green peppers in a little bit of olive oil. My mistake. Less than five minutes after getting the peppers down, they were all coming back up, along with the rest of nothing that was in my stomach.  Finally, I was fat, sick, and feeling nearly dead. 
  I munched on what I could of the produce we had to settle my stomach and went to bed early. I felt much better this morning, Headache-free! Pat made strawberry juice for breakfast, and we had decided to eat light for lunch as to avoid any vomitting, etc. So far, so good. We'll see how our vegetable juice dinner works out. I have a feeling I'll just be sitting here chewing on carrots most of the night.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, July 4th, 2012

Subject:the beginning of the Country Tavern era
Time:3:36 pm.
2012 has thus far been an incredibly stressful one. I recall the beginning of the year coming, whilst I neglected to make promises about losing weight and quitting habits, I told myself that this would be a year that I would make changes. This would be the year that I would find my way, and better myself, somehow. Changes, by golly, have come. (haha, i said 'by golly')

I would feel too long winded if I went into details of the events that have ensued over the first six months of this year. We'll just leave it at 'there were good times, and there were bad.'

I quit my job of five years to seek better, more fulfilling, more appreciated, more financially stable employment. Mostly I quit my job because I would have lost my mind otherwise. And since the day that I gave my two weeks notice there has been an abundance of stress in such a variety of facets that I had never anticipated. For me, with my kitchen experience, it hasn't been hard to find a number of job offers. What has been difficult is convincing myself to stick with one of these jobs until I find an avenue where I will be happy. It's frustrating to leave a job seeking bigger and better things for yourself, only to realize that you will STILL have a long way to go before those things come along. Logically speaking, I knew this all along. It was the build-up. It was all the work that it took to convince myself to quit my job in the first place. Somehow I connected all of that mental anguish with the battle that it will, in the long run, take to find the right place for me.

Tomorrow I go to my second day at a new job. It's not by any means ideal. But it's better hours, and equal pay. In other words, it's good enough for now. It's good enough until I figure out what I'm going to go back to school for, or what career I'm going to seriously pursue, or where I'm going to find the backing to buy my OWN business. And all of that still terrifies  me. Time is ticking away way too fast. I feel that if I don't figure these things out and get them DONE in the next few years, there's no point. I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying off school loans, or business loans, or struggling by in dead-end-nowhere jobs. But, really, what other options are there? If I had been a little more thrifty over the last five years, I may be a little further ahead. A little is a long ways to what I really want in life, though.

So where to from here? It wouldn't be so troublesome if I could let these worries go for a little while. Just sit back and go with the flow for a bit. Push the stress away for a bit so that I might enjoy life for what it is, if only for a while. If I could just be anxiety-free, even for a few weeks, everything would be alright. Because these next few weeks, they will be the most difficult. I say that with confidence, something that I typically lack in anything I might say. But these next few weeks, will, indeed be the most difficult. I am done with games and mistakes and failure and insecurity and ignorance after that. After these next few weeks I will make a decision, once and for all, and I will live with that. The turbulance that comes after that will be nothing, once I make a decision. If only I can make that decision. . .
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, January 2nd, 2012

Subject:Fare ye well '11
Time:3:30 pm.

Not even in an attempt to be nostalgic and look back on the year past, I searched through many a live journal entry today. Even though I know that the beginning of the year isn't actually anything special, just another night turning to another day, it may serve as an excellent mile marker at which to make reflections.

Today I have realized that I need to invest a LOT more time into being me. Just browsing through entries I've seen where I was so happy just to get a latte, read a good book, or bask in the sun. All these simple little things that are so very within reach, I have neglected myself of. Being so concerned with where I need to take myself in life and how I'm going to make my dreams come true has disallowed me from even being content in the life I'm leading now.

And so, as much as I hate new years resolution anymore, I resolve to treat myself better. I resolve to take the time to get to know myself again, because as much as I liked parts of the person that I used to be, I can only imagine that there are lots of new parts of me that I've never even had the chance to admire.

THIS YEAR:

[PEOPLE]
best friend: Pat, Michelle, Claire, Jess, Val
lost any friends: not that I recall
gained any friends: I've become closer to friends that I've already had, Karen, Fred, etc.

[PLACES]
went out of the country: not even to Canada
moved: nope.
new school: nope
how many times on an airplane: nope :(

[YOU]
have you changed: I imagine, many ways I haven't recognized
new look: i lost a lot of weight and then gained it all back
most depressed time this year: the past month of rain. ew.
best time this year: lounging in the water the last day of camp, and Cedar Point

[LOVE]
did you get heartbroken: no.
who was your summer love: Same as my spring, fall, and winter love: Pat

[SEASONS]
favorite Season: fall
least favorite season: The season of rain between fall and winter.
good birthday?: Yes.
any snow this year: Today was only the second time it's snowed. I hope it sticks.

[FINAL QUESTIONS]
got arrested: nope *phew*
had a crush: no
lost a family member: yes. Sgt. Pepper
got a myspace: If it still exists.
kept a secret: Secret Santa
told a secret: maybe
done something you totally regret: probably, i just dont know i regret it yet

In 2006 I...

[  ] broke a promise
[  ] made a new best friend
[  ] fallen out of love
[x] lied
[  ] went behind your parents back
[x] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[  ] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[x] kissed in the rain
[  ] slept under the stars
[  ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[  ] met someone who changed my life
[  ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[  ] pretended to be sick
[  ] left the country
[  ] almost died
[x] given up something important to you
[x] lost something expensive - how about broke?
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[x] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[  ] was never home on weekends
[  ] gotten into a car accident?
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you?
[x] had someone close to me die
[x] had a high cell phone bill
[  ] wasted most of my money on food
[  ] had a fist fight
[x] went to the beach
[  ] saw a celebrity
[x] gotten sick
[  ] liked more than 5 people at the same time
[x] became closer to a lot of people

Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, December 14th, 2011

Subject:CBK
Time:3:53 pm.
I can't contain the anger, frustration. It might not even be that. I am saddenned to the bone that my friend allows herself to be used and abused like this. But I'm so sick of putting up with this shit at the same time. Kick his dumb, money-grubbing, greedy, selfish, cheating ass to the curb and don't look back. It's just that simple. Just that friggin' simple. Instead of destroying your life, destroying your childs life, and forcing the rest of us to smile and nod while you do so.

I'm so sick of hearing it. I'm so sick of coming secondto dick face's every need. I'm so sick of seeing your life, your savings, your jobs, your friends all tossed aside to please him. I'm so fucking sick of it. And most of all I'm sick of seeing you hurt.

Unfortunately I see how this is going to go. I can't fix things, I can't make them better. It's now gone so far that my frustration is turning to tears. I never wanted to save everyone, just you.

So glad I have a real man in my life.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, September 7th, 2011

Time:3:51 am.
I've never been what you would call "put together" emotionally. But I never thought I would fall apart physically, not so young, anyhow. I fear bad news but I can't afford to hear good news. In all reality I can't afford any news.

I will be a quarter of a century (25) in less than a month and I'm just as lost as ever. I can't go back to college because I don't know what I want to do. The few careers that I would love to delve into are beyond my grasp because I simply don't have the natural abilities to seek them. I can't find anything else to pursue because  I'm too insecure to convince myself that I'm even remotely capable of doing anything successfully. And I certainly can't blow thousands of dollars on an education that might not lead anywhere.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, July 7th, 2011

Subject:Lucky
Time:3:40 pm.


          Still don't know what to do with my life. I guess it would have been easier to stick with college immediately after high school. A much easier transition with much less to contemplate. 
          I have few regrets. A handful, possibly, most of which can be attributed to drunken adolescent stupidity. I imagine we all make the same mistakes at some point along the line and I can be thankful that I made mine prior to what we shall refer to as "adulthood."
          I've heard that adulthood is only defined by the moment that you start feeling like an adult. I haven't got that far yet? Every now and then I will find myself doing something that was once so far out of my reach. I bask in the glory, if momentarily, of being "grown-up." But I have yet to convince myself that I am an adult. There is so much I have to learn. So many places to go. So much to accomplish. And in reflecting on these things I have to ask myself whether I will ever be content to call myself an adult, unless lying there on my death bed I am content. Unlikely. Have I ever been known to be content in life?

In longing for a temporary release from my anxiety I considered listing some of the things that I might consider as accomplishments. However I fear that If I don't come up with many, it will probably be a long contemplative evening at work. And even if I did come up with a long list, I would be reluctant to actually write any of it down, convincing myself that none of it is actually worthy of being listed as an "accomplishment" because I didn't invest enough time, thought, or effort into it. Look at me go. Fortunately some long overdue Jason Mraz is easing my anxiety just enough to drift my mind off into the "who gives a fuck" state.


I'm going to take up smuggling drugs across national borders, get caught, spend three years in a less than pleasant federal prison, then give up the life to make millions on my novels about my former life. Must be nice.


 


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Saturday, February 26th, 2011

Time:11:08 am.
I wonder for how many more years of my life I will remember to come back to this place where I have for so long told myself the tale of my sorrows and my glee.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, February 18th, 2011

Time:1:03 am.
And so it seems that friendship means nothing. Everyone, or at least a LOT of people have told me to live my own life, to move past my friendships. They had told me that my friends will move on, that my friends will go to college, move away, never come back . . . . That my friends will move on to bigger and better things and that I will be left in the dust. . . sitting here along in Erie. And for a long time I ignored that advice. I said "No! my friends will not leave me. Look, look! My friends are going to school here, my friends are looking for jobs here. . .  and even if mny friends do move away we will still be close. . . . . . because we have a connection. . ... . . . . .. . .. . . . because we have. . . . .. . ."


And here I am. Here I am. Granted I am here with my best friend of all, Pat. But anyone will admit that one friend, not even one best friend is enough.  Here I am wondering where all my friends have gone. One moved on. One moved on to grad school, to bigger, better things. She moved and she probably will never come back. We jest. But we have to eventually face the fact that there are no high-paying jobs here, let alone pharmaceutical research facilities.

and after almost 13 years, my other best friend decides to spite me because the bartender i work with is burnt out and thus a bitch. Ha. Yeah, if i could work up the nerve i would tell everyone off. Hell, after 20 years of doing that job i might even shoot the place up. You dont understand until you do it. No one does, no one can, no one will.

My eyes water, no, my eyes tear up. I am sad. I am hurt. I am hurt that my best friend can't be straight forward with me. I am hurt.

I think I am even more hurt by the fact that the predictions that everyone else made, not only on my life but towards  life in general, have come true. Being young i thought i could defy those odds. Of course, i can't. But I thought. . . .

We all think, we all aspire. . . . fruitless.? perhaps not.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, January 30th, 2011

Time:9:26 am.
i'm alive.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010

Subject:People are stupid.
Time:2:07 pm.
People are just plain friggin' dumb. D-U-M, dumb. I can't say that I rank among the most intelligent out there, but for god's sake can't people just have a little bloddy common sense. Or, for the matter, any sense at all would be much appreciated.

Just do your job. Do your job. Do what you are asked to do. Do it atleast semi-correctly. Don't make excuses when you don't do it or when you do it wrong. Just do it right. Ten hours a week. Ten bloody hours you have to work, you poor poor baby, but you can't handle that. Nope.

We're not asking you to develop a time machine, publish a brilliant novel, rework the theory of gravity, or even cook a five-star gourmet steak. Nope. Make a few pizzas, some burgers, maybe a sub here and there. You might have to wipe down a few things, sweep a little, some more basic cleaning. Think you can handle that?

OF COURSE NOT. In fact can you even handle speaking to me on the phone like a normal civilized person, nah. You can just text me. Just keep texting me, i understand, you never learned to use the English language orally. 


Haha. Thank you world.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, April 22nd, 2010

Subject:R.I.P. ERIC
Time:3:24 am.

R.I.P. Eric

Thre isn't much to say right now. I have to admit that I'm quite intoxicated, and have been every night for the last three. It seems so silly because he really wasn't a close friend. but then there's Corey, and Karen, and Dave. . . . Oh, poor Dave.  52 weeks a year, and I work 5 days a week, at least, most weeks. That makes for AT LEAST 520 days in the last two years (plus some) that I've seen Eric alive and well. 520 days.... More than I've seen any of my best friends and even my boyfriend because he worked out of town.

And what is there to say about Eric. He was a sarcastic humorous son of a bitch, just like his father and brothers. If you didn't know him, he was hard to deal with. He was loved. Loved, loved loved. He was such a beloved customer and friend. I can only thank God that he isn't suffering anymore and pray that "MITSY" is his bartender in heaven. LOL. Love ya babe. Rest In Peace.

 
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